To Whom It May Concern:

To: Everyone
From: Me
Re: Who Died and Made You Queen

I am sorry you did not get the memo, but yes, someone did die and make me Queen. I'm sure your copy just got lost in the mail, or deleted by your overzealous spam filter. Sorry if you thought you were next in line for the job, but what can I say. The decision of the judges is final.

To give you all time to straighten up your files, erase all "joke" e-mails from your hard drives, and clear out your desks for the turnover, I will only be making a few minor changes to start with.

1) Spelling: All "cute" spelling will be corrected. There will be no more Kozy Korners, I am not interested in your Krafty Kapers, and Ye Olde Ice Creame Shoppes will be renamed with fewer "e's" forthwith.

2) Work Hours: The work day will now run from 1 pm to 8 pm. Single digit hours occurring during the first half of the day, formerly referred to as "morning", will be banned effective immediately. Anyone bubbling enthusiastically about their 5 am workout, and how peaceful it is to be up at 4:30 am will be forced to clean the bathroom at Kchuckie Kcheese. In a mouse costume.

3) Restaurant hours: Restaurants will remain open until at least 11 pm, unless it's Kchuckie Kcheese. Kchuckie Kcheese will only be allowed to open from 11 am until 12 noon, on alternate Wednesdays.

3) Traffic:
a) All drivers will exit the freeway one half hour before I leave for work, and again one half hour before I attempt the return trip home.
b) All left turn arrows will be long enough to allow no fewer than seven cars through on a single cycle.
c) There will be no more double parking, but jay walking will be required if, and only if, streets are clear of vehicular traffic.

4) Neither the Post Office, nor any other "service" business, will be allowed to post signs announcing their drastically reduced service hours if said signs include the words "for your convenience".

5) Fluorescent lighting will be banned in all offices, dressing rooms, and bathrooms.

6) Neither this dress, nor anything else I own, makes me look fat. I do not look tired. I do not need a haircut. I am not required to smile, and am not likely to just because you say so. And I have not put on some weight. Evidence to the contrary will not be admitted in a court of law, or anywhere else.

7) No comment on the state of my house, height of my dirty laundry pile, or appearance of pet fur drifts piling up against the baseboards will be permitted at any time for any reason. Unless you feel like lying and telling me how wonderful it looks. If you choose to pursue this latter course of action, be convincing.

8) No insults will be allowed if disguised, however well or badly, as a compliment. (See #7)

9) "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" will be legally enforced, unless one is speaking about anyone who considers appearing in the tabloids to be a good thing. *

10) The proper use of "I" and "Me" will be memorized and adhered to. Especially by any and all guests appearing on Dr. Phil. Sorry, I know you're all under a lot of stress already, as Dr. Phil doesn't take any crap. It's hard to keep track of grammar when you're getting your behind handed to you on a plate. But. "He told Jason and I that we had to leave," is WRONG. Would you say, "They told I that I had to leave?" I can only hope, by all that you may or may not hold dear, that you would not. Less frequently, and usually heard from Maury's or Jerry Springer's guests, note that it is "Jason and I went to the store", and NOT "Jason and me went to the store".

11) "Nuclear" is not to be pronounced "Nucular". If it is, the hearer is required to say, "What? I don't understand you," while wincing in pain. The alternate response, "Is that even a word?", may be used if repeated loudly and incessantly to anyone else within earshot. This is to be continued until the speaker corrects his tired-ass, allegedly-Presidential self.

Until the changeover is complete, these details should be enough to keep most of you busy for the foreseeable future. Here's to a long and happy reign. All hail etc etc!

As you were.

* UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that steps 6-9 (especially #8) will render Laughing Boy's sister-in-law effectively mute for life. Um... would you buy an "ooops"? Didn't think so.