Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Speeding Towards Old

But at least I'll be too blind to stop when I get there.

I have had glasses since I was 5. Twice, I've spent months wearing an eyepatch that left me looking like an extra on Pirates of the Caribbean. I was pretty psyched, the first time. When you're 5, you can work a pirate's eye patch. For the first week, I threw in a peg-leg limp and a scowl. I even sometimes remembered to scrunch one shoulder up, hoping the other kids would think I'd just left the parrot home. I was sure someone would assume I was a pirate transfer student, from wherever pirate toddlers went to preschool. Yes, I was that pathetic. During my entire school career, that's the closest I ever came to "cool".

These days, without my glasses my eyesight is 803,496:20. Which means what you can see from 803,496 feet away, I have to be 20 feet from before I'll even notice it.

I can't find my glasses unless I have my glasses on.

"Wow, that's bad," you're thinking. But not bad enough, my friends. No, my four way astigmatism wasn't complicated enough for my health care provider. I'm sure you think you know where I'm going with this. Reading glasses, right? Oh, please. That would be too easy. Bifocals you say? Ha! I scoff at your lowly bifocals. My doctor wants to fix me up for trifocals.

Even better was his next suggestion. He suggested that I pay umpteen thousand dollars for lasik eye surgery, and THEN get bifocals to indulge the rest of my viewing issues.

Surgery, and I still come out of this looking like Grandma Walton. I'm not paying for elective surgery unless I'm coming out of it able to read the VIN number on his brand new Porsche from the roof of his building. I want Robocop Steve Austin nightvision laser cannon eyesight. I want to be able to simultaneously see the space trash we left on the moon with my left eye, while reading the fine print in magazine pharmaceutical ads with my right. In the dark. Blindfolded.

Trifocals, my *@&.


At 12:52 PM, July 06, 2006, Blogger Mocha said...

I'd love to leave a coherent comment, but I can barely see the screen. Contacts and reading computer screens do NOT mix. I hate that.

Also, don't you think it's ok to wear the chain thing around my neck at age 35? Come on. I could make it look hip. Want to join me?

At 1:58 PM, July 06, 2006, Blogger panda said...

Definitely go with the chain! I've been thinking about getting some of those cool chunky beads from the import store, make something a little less sedate. Wrap it twice around the neck. Make a statement!

As for seeing the computer screen, my Mom (my god, I got a tech tip from my MOM) clued me in to pressing Ctrl and then the "+" key to make text on web pages bigger when you're in the browser. My chronically sore neck cleared up over night.

No, I don't spend too much time on the internet. Cough.

(Love your blog, BTW! And your taste in coffee. Peet's RULES!)

At 3:47 PM, July 06, 2006, Blogger TastyCakes said...

Even while walking out of the optometrist's office wearing brand-spanking-new contact lenses, I STILL can't read the name of the street I'm turning about a waste of time, energy, money, etc. I've also considered the lasik surgery, but at eleventy bazillion dollars per eye, you're right...I had BETTER be able to see backwards in time.

PS. I wanted to say that I love your writing! I'm new to this side of the blogosphere and I enjoy finding such entertaining and well-written pages as yours!

At 4:56 PM, July 06, 2006, Blogger panda said...

Thanks, TastyCakes! Welcome, all, to my little home at the corner of Angst and Paranoia.


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